Parenting. I should just stop right there. If you have kids of any age, you know exactly what I’m going to say next. It’s exhausting. And often times, complex and perplexing. Sometimes I long for the days of Dr. Spock, when there was one way to rear your kids, but then I remember there actually is one way and it’s called the Bible. And then I also recall I threw away all the baby and parenting books I once owned when I realized my kids didn’t fit into that mold. Or maybe I didn’t. Whichever. So, now that I’m completely off topic and you’re reminded of just how hard raising people can be, let’s talk about one of the most exhausting areas of parenting: teaching your kids how to be sorry for what they have done wrong. Instead of, well, not sorry.
It seems like our kids go through seasons in our house. Seasons of peace and calm and seasons of utter chaos and calamity. Okay, it’s really not that bad, but listening to sisters constantly argue and bicker and snark at each other does tend to invoke a visceral response of wanting to flee or lash out in return. Instead, over the past several years, I have learned to usually stop and pray for some sort of wisdom. And then I try to speak into their situation when they are in the downward spiral of hating on each other. I know parents who would not intervene in the lives of their adolescent children, but I feel it’s good to have refresher courses now and again. Sort of like continuing education credits in integrity, honesty, kindness, and the like. So I talk a lot about how to be sorry.
When the girls were younger, we were very cognizant of teaching them how to apologize. When they wronged someone, we would have them stop, look the other person in the eye, and tell them they were, “Sorry for blah blah blah…”. The “For blah blah blah…” was an integral part of the process of apologizing as we wanted them to internalize their offense in some way, not just throw out a “Sorry!” as an aside and resume playing. We talked a lot about how when we hurt someone or do something we know isn’t right, we are sinning against God first and others second. We talked about how we need to repent of our sin, which means we need turn away from it and then say we are sorry for it. We talked a lot about how we need to be specific, because when he saves us, God forgives us specifically; he doesn’t just throw Christ’s righteousness on us as a collective group and call it a day. And he continues to forgive our specific sins as we repent of them. Basically, in all we taught them, we wanted them to have a picture of a loving and merciful God who forgives us and helps us to love others well in return.
Not much has changed in the past several years. We still address their offenses against others in the same exact way. Because that’s how they should be addressed. But truly apologizing to each other or others doesn’t come easily to them and from what I’ve seen, it doesn’t come easily to most adults either. How many times have we received an apology that was given to simply placate the issue rather than deal with what was wrong? Or worse, been the giver of such an apology? How often have we walked away from talking with someone who in some way attempted to make amends, but felt like we were still to blame for what went wrong? (Not that there aren’t situations in which we most certainly are at fault.) How many times have we felt someone else was sorry, but not sorry?
Let me put it simply. If an apology starts with, “I’m sorry IF ….” or “I’m sorry YOU…”, it isn’t an apology. Being repentant starts with “I’m sorry I.” If we need to use a demonstrative pronoun just to please our former English teacher, we can say, “I’m sorry that I…” or something similar. But it is not an apology if we are really just figuring out a way we can make peace with the other person without really thinking through our sin. It isn’t an apology if we aren’t taking responsibility for what happened in the first place. That isn’t repentance. Nor is placing the blame on something or someone else, instead of owning what we did and calling it what it is: sin. Even if winter was 7 months long and I was cranky because I hate being cold, I don’t get to blame my situation; I need to own my unkind words and apologize.
So what is a true apology? What is repentance? First and foremost, it starts with the heart. A heart that has been changed by the Holy Spirit to know how deeply sin runs through it and how completely perfect is the love of Christ to redeem it. A heart that has turned from it’s former ways of loving self to loving Christ. A heart that is set on loving God and loving neighbor. And from there, it is honesty. Being honest with how imperfect we are and how often we mess up, even when we’re trying to make things right. And putting that honesty into words and action when we know we have done wrong.
Our apology should be as public as our offense. If we have wronged one, we apologize to one. If our sin has caused issues among many, we apologize to many. We try to model this for our kids in our home by apologizing to them (and to each other too) as often as we offend. I pray their hearts will be changed and they will seek to do the same.
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