Providence. It is God’s divine intercession in our lives. Every second. Every day. And today it smacked me in the face as I was writing my way through my daily Bible reading plan that I haven’t written my way through in over two weeks. But two weeks ago, I didn’t really need the truth I wrote down today. Two weeks ago I thought I had it all figured out. I wasn’t being tempted; I wasn’t leaning toward sin. But today. Today was quite different.
I will be candidly honest here and it isn’t pretty. Maybe your candid honesty isn’t pretty either. Maybe we can work through this together.
I am 47. No longer young and beautiful by the world’s standards, although I tend to concede I never was the latter. No longer in my prime shall we say. And I’m embarrassed to admit I’m not aging as gracefully as I’d like. I know women who let their hair grow grey and their wrinkles run deep. I find them beautiful. And yet, I color my hair every 8 weeks and use RoC twice a day. It’s awesome and cheap at Costco by the way. I blister when I hear the word “ma’am” and long for the days when “miss” was the norm. I wear capris instead of shorts in the summer to cover the veins that have taken up residence on my legs. By God’s grace I am also cold when it’s 80 degrees outside. I rub lemons on my hands in the mornings to diminish the brown spots. By now, you get the idea. I’m getting older and I’m honestly not doing it well.
Why?! I scream it at myself some days. Why on earth is this so difficult for me?! Why don’t I want to “look my age”? Why aren’t I proud of the 1052 grey hairs on my head? Why don’t I see every wrinkle and blemish as a crown of victory over trials or a line of laughter as my grandmother says? It’s as frustrating to me to deal with the mental gymnastics of growing old gracefully as it is to see the physical effects in the mirror every morning. And then there is the very real spiritual reality that the reason why lies buried within the layers of faulty beliefs in my heart.
Belief #1: You hold value if you are beautiful.
Belief #2: You hold value if others see you as beautiful.
Wrong. Deep down – way deep down, past the all the things I know to be true and right and good – sits this lie: I’m less valuable. I’m not good enough. It has not left me in my 47 years. Despite my attempts at ridding myself of this fallacy, it remains. It may have shrunk to a smaller tumor over the years, and by God’s grace I believe that is the case, but it’s still there. And God obviously knows it’s there, which is why I picked up that Bible writing plan I haven’t touched in two weeks and encountered his divine providence once again.
Today I read the truth.
Proverbs 31:30-31 says “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”
1 Peter 3:3-4 says “Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
In God’s sight. I want to be what is precious in God’s sight. I won’t get there by going to the salon or buying a new foundation or going to crossfit (yes, I love torture and thought that would be a good thing to begin). I won’t get there by looking at my body and wishing it were something it’s not. I won’t get there by being younger. I will only get there by continuing to abide in Christ and seeing him as my ultimate goal; my ultimate treasure. I will only get there by continuing to read his Word and letting it heal me; letting it rewrite the lies that are written on my heart. Your struggle may be very different (and most likely less superficial), but ultimately, the remedy is the same.
Oh how I love Jesus. His truth cuts me to my core. It is painful. Yet it is exactly what I need when I need it most. Providence.
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